All The Little Things That Make Me Smile

"The Anchors are things that occupy my mind and make me feel good temporarily."

- Ned Vizzini

Because my last post was so depressing, I'm going to write a more upbeat post this time. The title is rather self-explanatory. Things that make me smile or at least things that I appreciate and enjoy even if I don't smile. Just small, ordinary things. A friend actually inspired me to write about this. I haven't asked if I can use her name so I won't but she knows who she is! Anyway. Let's get this show on the road!

- Cats. Any cats, really. But my cats are great.
- Delicious food. Soups, pizzas, pastries, all sorts of yummy stuff.
- Good TV. At the moment, I'm enjoying Humans and My Mad Fat Diary alongside my usual diet of The Simpsons/Hollyoaks/The Goldbergs.
- Spending time with my family when no one's angry.
- Starbucks hot chocolate.
- Reading new books.

- Sniffing new books (I love that new book smell, OK?!).
- Looking at the clouds.
- Playing games like The Sims. With cheats, duh.
- Jigsaw puzzles.
- My favourite music. Currently, I'm enjoying 'She's Lost Control' by Joy Division.
- Getting answers right when watching quiz shows.
- Spotting a spelling error. After the initial anger that I'm unemployed while these shoddy proofreaders have jobs they perform poorly at, I feel smug and self-satisfied.

- "Dad" jokes. Y'know, those really cheesy puns that make you groan because they're so bad but so good at the same time? Yeah, those.
- Money. Yeah, I'm greedy.
- My bed because it's warm and cosy.
- Completing a Sudoku that was meant to take 30 minutes in 8 minutes.
- Winning games like chess or Trivial Pursuit.
- Talking to friends online.
- Cuddling with Pusheen.
- Frozen.

- My new hairstyle. Pretty bitchin', eh?!
- When English people think that the haggis is a wild animal.
- Guessing who the perpetrator is in Law And Order: Special Victims Unit and hearing the coveted words "You were right" from my brother.
- Wearing awesome clothes and knowing my outfit is awesome.
- That clean feeling after a shower.
- Getting compliments.
- Sleeping. I can't say if I enjoy being asleep because I'm asleep at the time but I certainly do a lot of sleeping.

- The fact that the cool raptor in Jurassic World is named Blue, like me.
- When someone genuinely cares about me and wants to help. I was ignored for so long in favour of other people and so when someone cares, I am pathetically grateful.
- Friends who don't piss off when they don't need anything from me.
- Big cats. I can't pet them but they're pretty to look at.
- Creepy stories. Love 'em.

- Plasticine, Play-Doh, modelling clay, anything of that ilk.
- Piercings and tattoos.

That's all I can think of at the moment but hey, it's quite a lot! I have many things that can at least erase some of the persistent sadness that seems to be following me lately. It's learning to appreciate the little things rather than waiting for one big thing to make it all better. I don't think little things cure depression, by any means, but it gives you focus and makes you feel good for a little while.

Unfortunately, in life, there are no quick fixes so rather than trying to fix our lives or ourselves when doing so might not be possible or worth the cost, it's sometimes better to accept when something can't be changed and trying to be thankful for whatever small mercies life casts in your direction. Easier said than done but hey, it's better than being eaten up by bitterness and self-loathing. So give it a try.

Impertinent Ramblings

"I didn't want to wake up. I was having a much better time asleep"

-Ned Vizzini

There's no real meaning to this blog post. I know I haven't posted in a while so of course, I should be posting stuff. And that's maybe part of it. And I'm sorry I've left you waiting. I've got a couple of posts planned but I need to write them up first. I'll start working on them when I feel better, I promise.

OK, before I start rambling, a little disclaimer: I will be fine. Don't worry about me, don't lose any sleep (that's important) and dear god, don't call my mother! I'm safe and I have no intention of not being safe. I just simply need to get some feelings off my chest and hopefully, it will offer some insight into what life is like for someone like me.

I have not been feeling good recently. That's not entirely true, I've had a few moments where I felt OK over the past few days - just distracted from life, I suppose - but my general mood has been weird. I look miserable and I suppose I do feel miserable but mostly, I just feel numb. Too numb to cry. I feel like I need to cry but I can't for some reason. It sucks. I would fill the emptiness with food but I don't feel like eating. I can't remember the last time I ate a meal, I've just been snacking when my stomach starts rumbling too loudly. I've eaten less than half of some leftover pumpkin pie in the last 24 hours. Normally, I don't stop eating. The last time I got worse, I went off food for a bit. That's probably what's happening now. I'm on fluoxetine, I was warned I might get worse before I get better. Just have to grin and bear it I suppose. Except I can't grin. I was able to on Friday but yesterday, I was just dull and flat. I didn't leave my room a whole lot and I just lay in bed like a spectacularly ugly statue. Modern art, perhaps. When I did leave my room (for pie and Pepsi and to feed the cats), I barely lifted my feet off the ground. Like a zombie. 

I feel like a zombie. Except zombies have a goal (to eat BRAAAAIIINS) and motivation. I'm just kind of aimless. I didn't wash or get changed but that's nothing new. I can't be bothered with that. What's the point in washing when I'll just get dirty again? Why should I get changed when I'm not going anywhere? I'd rather sleep. My thoughts are slow and incoherent, like a tired drunk at a typewriter and each time they hit a key, a bolt of pain hits my forehead. Is thinking meant to hurt? I don't know but it's too much for me to deal with so I sleep. I don't have to deal with anything when I'm asleep. I wish I could stay asleep forever. So I'm low. Very low. I've been worse but that offers little comfort when I'm like this.

I have a feeling this will pass though. My feet are tapping uncontrollably which means I'm going into one of those periods where I seem almost normal, happy I suppose. I'm not happy but I'm not as low so I'll take it. The only problem is controlling myself. I'm pretty good with self control but I spend money like I'm dying tomorrow. I haven't spent money in a while simply because that would require getting out of bed and going out. Nah. But when I get enough energy, I know I'll be down at Tesco, throwing half the shop into my trolley. My appetite will return with a vengeance and I'll have to stock up on meals and snacks and a plaid shirt that I've decided I need.

This money is to last me till god knows when but I can't stop myself. I feel better when I'm buying things. Human. It's what normal people do, shop. Because they need to feed themselves and clothe themselves and surround themselves with nice things and I'm kind of shit at all of that. But when I buy stuff, it seems like I'm one step closer to getting better. Of course, I'm not - eating my way through four shopping bags of goodies and trying to ignore my thoughts which trip over each other and occasionally tumble out of my mouth (the tired drunk at the typewriter has been replaced by a psychotic person on ecstasy at a state-of-the-art computer) is no better than lying in bed, immobile. But, aside from my mad twitches - seriously, my arms flap about so much, I'm surprised I haven't taken wing yet - I seem more socially acceptable like that. I can hold a conversation and cook for myself and laugh and smile. My psychiatrist says it's normal and the reason it feels so insane is because I'm so low the rest of the time. I guess that makes sense but I always feel slightly unstable like that.

It's not that I prefer being low. I don't like any of it. I want to sleep and I want to stay asleep because then no one will have to be bothered about me and I won't have to deal with everything that being awake brings. But I'm expected to live. Crawling into bed and staying there is not an option. I'll be dragged through life, kicking and screaming, whether I like it or not. I don't feel I can cope. I've got this far, sure, but how much further can I go? Who knows? I've just got to try, I suppose. Easier said than done seeing as I'm completely incapable of living. But hey. I'll give it my best shot. I'm doing an OK job of surviving so I might be able to integrate some living into that as well. I'm trying.

So that's what my life consists of. Not much. Like a very boring rollercoaster. But I needed to get this out lest I end up like an industrial amount of frankium in a swimming pool of water. Not good. It's late. I'll probably regret posting this when I wake up but why should I feel bad about a) being honest and b) using my blog to talk about MYSELF *gasps of horror*? I'll do what I damn well please. And right now, that's sleeping. Zzz...

Mental Health Awareness Week

"To the person in the bell jar, blank and stopped as a dead baby, the world itself is the bad dream"

- Sylvia Plath

Something you may not know (hell, I didn't know until yesterday) - the 11th of May to the 17th of May is/was Mental Health Awareness week. 

As I posted recently, I'm all out of things to say. I'm not really in a writing mood. However, I am very knowledgeable about a great number of mental illnesses - I think that's the case with a lot of people nowadays - so if there's any you want to know more about, comment below. I'll write a blog post with info on what you ask for in the near future. That'll raise awareness and understanding, hopefully. If any of my fans (do I have fans?) would like to share their experiences with mental illnesses, you can comment below or I could include you in a blog post if you'd like. I'm nice like that.

I really wish I'd known about this in advance so I could've had something planned for Monday. Damn.

Still, mental health is ALWAYS relevant. We all have a brain and any one of us could be pulled under when we least expect it so it's important to know what you're dealing with.

Here's some helpful UK numbers to call if you are feeling overwhelmed or anxious or depressed or suicidal:

CALM (Campaign Against Living Miserably) - 0800 58 58 58 (helpline for young men over 15 years old. Open from 5pm to 12am).

ChildLine - 0800 1111 (helpline for children and young people. Free and confidential. Open 24 hours).

Get Connected - 0808 808 4994 (helpline for people under 25. Open 1pm to 11pm).

Lifeline (N. Ireland) - 0808 808 8000 (free, confidential crisis response helpline. Open 24 hours).

Papyrus HOPELine UK - 0800 068 4141 (offers help and advice. Open 10am to 10pm on weekdays, 2pm to 5pm on weekends).

Samaritans - 0845 790 9090 (confidential helpline. Open 24 hours).

If you're outside the UK, I'm sorry for the exclusion but I'm sure Google will have some results for you. If, like me, you can't use phones due to deafness or anxiety or whatever reason, there's also a great deal of online help groups. However, if you're seriously worried about your mental health, do seek help from your GP. They can refer you to professionals who can help you get better.

You are not alone. You are not ignored. I am one of many people who care about you and want you to live life to the fullest extent you can without feeling trapped and empty and all the other awful feelings that come with mental illnesses. You matter.

Just look after yourself, OK? 

Coping With Exams.

"There must be quite a few things that a hot bath won't cure but I don't know many of them"

- Sylvia Plath

Exams are tough. I know this better than anyone. I'm in my fifth year of taking serious exams and it doesn't get easier. It's always the same. Study, study, study. Retain information. I've studied. I've procrastinated. I've panicked. I've cried. I've written pages of notes in all the colours of the rainbow. I've overdosed on Mountain Dew. I've passed. I've failed. I've eaten chocolate, whatever results I got. And I've discovered there is no surefire way to pass your exams. All you can do is speak to your teachers/tutors/lecturers because they know better than we do what to expect in your exams. I can't help you there. What I can help you with is how to cope with all of this. Because, chances are, your parents or teachers or siblings or friends are putting all this pressure on you to pass your exams, to achieve or exceed their expectations - and maybe you will. But exams can take a toll on you, physically and mentally. However, it's nothing that can't be remedied by your friendly Dr Blue (Note: Blue is neither friendly nor a doctor). Whether you're preparing for exams or trying to shake off the remaining jitters afterwards, these tips can help. Maybe. Worth a try though, isn't it?

BEFORE

-Try and stay on top of your revision. This may seem like a terrible way of coping with exams but the last thing you want is to panic and frazzle your brain before your exam(s). Study little and often and allow yourself breaks. Figure out your learning style (eg. visual or auditory) and revise in ways that will help you recall info. I use musical association and repetition.

-Plan. Plan how and when you'll get to your exam, plan your studying, plan your breaks, plan everything you need to to keep you calm and in control.
-Check things. You'll probably be given a timetable listing the time, date and location of your exam(s) but check with your teacher/tutor/lecturer that everything is correct. The last thing you want is to miss your exam.
-Now would also be a good time to speak to your teacher/tutor/lecturer about anything you're not understanding about your work. They're there to help and they'll be more than happy to help you. Remember, they want you to pass your exams too!
-Tempting as it may be to stay up all night to study, DON'T DO THIS. Sleep. Get a good night's sleep. Your brain needs to rest or it will burn out. If you're having trouble sleeping, try sprinkling lavender oil on your pillow or burning a CD of relaxing noises (think the sounds of ocean or the rain) to help you drop off. Try and make your room as dark as possible,  wear an eye mask if it helps. Avoid caffeine before bed and, if possible, do a little exercise to tire you out before you go to bed. Sleep is important.
-Be organised. Make sure everything you need is laid out where you can find it in the morning. If you need HB pencils, a calculator, a dictionary or anything important like that, pack it in your bag the night before. That way, you won't have to rush around in the morning.
-Get up early so you can eat a healthy, energising breakfast - maybe porridge with raspberries to slowly release energy throughout your exam. If you have time, do a little studying so it's fresh in your mind. Be at the exam location 15 minutes early. This is also a good time to revise but keep your ears open for announcements regarding your exam. If you have friends sitting the same exam, quiz each other on your knowledge of the subject - who knows, maybe a section you're struggling with is their strongest area!
-If you want, have a snack before going into the exam hall. It's so hard to concentrate when you're hungry.

DURING

-Try not to panic. Slowly breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth. This will slow your heart rate and return your body to its relaxed state.

-Stretch out your muscles. Sitting hunched over your desk isn't great for your back. When you start to feel uncomfortable, take a few seconds to sit up straight and stretch your back and neck out. If your arm starts to ache from writing, put your pen down and rotate your wrist a few times to ease the tension in your tendons and ligaments. Stretch your fingers out.
-Concentrate. This seems obvious but it's so easy to get distracted by a ticking clock or an interesting tree or something. Don't let that happen. Eyes down, pen up and shut out the world. Recall the information and let it flow onto the page. If you forget something, don't worry, you can put an asterisk and add the information at the end of the paper if you've time.
-Read the paper carefully. Make sure you understand the question - sometimes they phrase them oddly to trip us up. Pretty cruel, huh? Just make sure you're writing all the relevant stuff.
- Keep a steady pace. Writing is like cross country running for your arm. It's about endurance. If you start off super quick, you'll slow down sooner and start to flag behind. Don't be slow, by any means but pace your writing so you don't overwork your wrist or brain.
-You're probably familiar with this but I'll reiterate it for you. If you're stuck on a question, leave it and come back to it at the end. It's better than spending 10, 15 minutes panicking about it. If you work on your strongest areas first, you'll be more confident and you'll have more time to figure the tricky questions out.

AFTER

-It's over! Give yourself a pat on the back. Maybe a bar of chocolate. If you've got the money, treat yourself to lunch at a coffee shop or nice café. You've worked hard and now is your chance to rest and reward yourself.

-Pamper yourself! You know the drill - dressing gown, face mask, hot bath, fluffy towel. It's not just for girls! Still, maybe that's not your thing? Does a bowl of popcorn and a good DVD sound more enticing?
-If you have pets, pet 'em. Stroking a cat or dog or hamster or snake has soothing qualities. Get rid of excess stress by lavishing attention on your slightly bewildered pet.
-Catch up on life. Whilst prepping for exams, it's easy to put your life on hold. Get back in there. A movie you've been meaning to watch, a book you've been meaning to read, a game you've been meaning to try - they're all yours. If you'd rather sleep till 2 in the afternoon, that's fine too. You're mentally burnt out so you probably don't fancy reading 4 books a week at the moment.
-Relax. Get the excess stress and adrenaline out of your system. Talk it out, walk it out, unwind however you know how. Just chill! You'll soon be back to your old self.
-Remind yourself - you got through this. You beat exams. Whatever the outcome, you survived and you are strong. Come on, life, you're ready! If you're arty, make yourself a medal or a certificate. God knows you deserve it.

Feeling better? More prepared, more confident? You should be. Good luck guys! I'm rooting for you!

What...is life?

"I felt my lungs inflate with the inrush of scenery - air, mountains, trees, people. I thought 'This is what it is to be happy.'"

- Sylvia Plath

Hey guys! I know, I know, it's been over a month since my last post. I'm sorry. College and whatnot has been consuming all my time. My next post is going to be tips on coping with exam stress for those it concerns. But for now, I want to share with you some of my thoughts concerning life.

I think life is always hard because we're always looking for the negativities. When we're kids, we hate life because we're too little to watch the movies we want to watch and to wear the clothes we want to wear and we just seem to be too young for everything good in life and we desperately long to be teenagers who seem tall and independent and beautiful. When we're teenagers, we hate life because we'd built it up in our heads and it did not meet our expectations. We don't feel tall and independent and beautiful, we feel tiny and insignificant and unstable and we're paranoid everyone's judging our spots and our hair and our clothes when of course, nearly everyone else is staring in the mirror, feeling exactly the same as we are.

We long to be adults when we'll be composed and settled and our hormones will no longer be playing havoc with our appearance and we'll lose all that teenage awkwardness. When we're adults, we hate life because it's not how we imagined it. Maybe your spots will disappear - but, for some (me) they won't. Maybe you will lose your teenage awkwardness - but there's no guarantee (me again). And, on top of that, there's so many responsibilities. Bills to pay, jobs to find, expectations to live up to. Whether you're 18 or 28, you're never truly ready to lose the support net of your family and try to fend for yourself in this world of new responsibilities pressing down on your shoulders. We spend our whole lives wanting more independence, more freedom, then when we finally get it, we want nothing more than to run home and have someone look after us like we're little again, with no fears about bills and jobs and relationships and all the scary adult stuff we thought we wanted, eons ago.

Too depressing?

Life isn't all doom and gloom, I guess. I mean, cats exist. As does chocolate. And music. And literature. And cold ice creams on hot summer days. And warm duvets with hot cocoa in the middle of winter, as a blizzard outside covers everything with snow as fresh as a new page in your sketchpad. Friends exist. Hot bubblebaths exist. Scented candles exist. Soft pillows and welcoming duvets at the end of a long day exist. The aromas of newly cut grass, your favourite dinner, freshly baked cakes, sweet flowers...they exist. Life is difficult and unless you're extremely lucky, there will always be something you'll struggle with - even if it's just long division which I promise you has no application in real life. But if you appreciate the little things that seem so miniscule and unimportant, you can get through the tough times and gradually, they'll get easier. You'll learn how to cope.

You'll always have days where you wake up and just want to go back to sleep. You'll always have nights where you lie awake, fretting about everything and nothing before falling into a fitful sleep, plagued by nightmares. I'm not going to pretend all your problems will magically disappear. But if you focus on the good times - nostalgic memories, the beauty around you and all the amazing times you've yet to experience - life is just that bit easier to deal with.

And I promise you that it's worth it.

Autism Awareness Day

"But if you got rid of all the autism genetics, you wouldn't have science or art. All you would have is a bunch of social 'yak yaks'."

- Temple Grandin

Hey guys! The blog hasn't been updated in a while, I apologise for that but I've been super busy with essays and reports and frequent naps.

But moving on. Today is a noteworthy day. It's World Autism Awareness Day and April is Autism Awareness Month.

In the spirit of raising awareness of autistic spectrum disorders (ASDs), allow me to enlighten you as to what it's all about. I'll split it up into sections. That is how much I care about you all.

Types: ASD is an umbrella term that encompasses classic autism, autistic savantism, Asperger's syndrome - now removed from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual but still recognised by the many "Aspies" and their loved ones the world over - and PDD-NOS (Pervasive Developmental Disorder - Not Otherwise Specified) and more.

Symptoms: Social difficulties such as making and maintaining eye contact and/or physical contact.

Difficulty understanding facial expressions and body language.
May take figures of speech (e.g. "I laughed my head off") to be literal.
Non verbal (in classic autism).
Unusual speech pattern or echolalia (in ASDs).
Refers to self in third person.
Vocal or physical stims (such as humming, hand flapping or rocking).
Sensitive to certain textures, tastes, scents, sounds, colours, etc.
Overwhelmed by stimulus such as bright lights and loud noises.
Prone to meltdowns (periods of screaming, flailing and possibly engaging in self injurious behaviour to name a few whilst being unable to control themselves - usually triggered by a certain stimulus).
Set routine that invokes anxiety or meltdowns if disturbed.
One or more "special interests" - an obsession with something such as dinosaurs or trains. Often, they will be very knowledgeable about their interest(s).
Above average IQ (in ASDs).
Walking on tiptoes or having an otherwise unusual gait.
Motor skills don't develop as fast as their peers.
May have other conditions - ADHD, ODD and bipolar disorder, for example.

It's important to note that no one with any ASD will display all of these signs. People with ASDs are as unique in their personalities and traits as anyone else.

Facts: It is thought that one or two out of every 1000 people are on the autistic spectrum worldwide.
It's more commonly diagnosed in boys.
Autism means 'alone' (translated from the Greek 'autos' which means 'self').

A controversy surrounding autism is the notion that vaccinations such as the MMR vaccine cause autism. This was based on the word of one Andrew Wakefield  in 1998. It was based on fraudulent research and is COMPLETELY FALSE. Unfortunately, due to the endorsements of this viewpoint by celebrities, anti-vaxxers are refusing to vaccinate their children, leaving them open to life threatening diseases such as German measles. Non-vaccinated people must rely on herd immunity to stay healthy as they are not immune themselves.
Although ASDs undoubtedly come with their challenges, they can be incredible gifts too. 40 year old Stephen Wiltshire MBE was diagnosed as autistic at three years old. He is an amazing artist who draws detailed pictures from memory, his most famous picture being an 18ft sketch of the New York skyline after viewing it once on a short helicopter ride. He received his MBE for his services to art. This is an example of autistic savantism.

Stephen is not alone. Other presumed autistic savants include Albert Einstein, Isaac Newton and Bill Gates.

The most important message of Autism Awareness Day is acceptance. Respect your fellow humans, neurotypical or otherwise. Don't use words like "retard" or "spaz". Don't believe all the negative stereotypes you hear. A little understanding can go a long way!

Have a great day and enjoy your weekend!

All Creatures Blue and Beautiful...

"Great shades of blue, you find them in nature. They're all magic"

- Bryan Batt

The colour blue occurs more often in the animal kingdom than you might think! Here's my countdown of the top 5 blue animals. Enjoy!

5. The blue morpho butterfly

There are actually 29 species and 147 subspecies of morpho butterfly. They're usually found in South America and their wingspan ranges from 3 inches to 8 inches. They are not blue due to any pigmentation in their wings but some sort of trick of the light, the thin layers of their wings scattering light particles, much like the sky which appears blue due to Rayleigh light scattering. True blue or not, this butterfly is too pretty not to be on the list!

4. The blue whale

You've indubitably heard of the blue whale and know that it's the largest animal on the planet. You would be correct. Their heart is the size of a car and their tongue is the size of an elephant. Despite their massive size, they feed mainly off plankton and krill. There must be a lot of love in their car sized hearts because they form close emotional bonds and travel in small groups,  usually with family members. They might seem quiet but they communicate with other whales at a frequency of 10 - 39 hertz. Blue whales aren't really a vivid blue but I like them and "blue" is right there in the name!

3. The blue footed booby

The blue footed booby is a bird that, as its name suggests, has striking blue feet. Aside from the blue footed booby's fancy footwear, what makes it stand out is the unique mating dance the males perform. They lift their feet one at a time to show them off. The bluer their feet are, the more liable they are to find a special lady booby (finally, some animals with sense!). Blue footed boobies are mainly found in South America and Central America and can have a wingspan up to 5ft across. They eat small fish and, like most birds, nest on land when not hunting for food. The word "booby" comes from the Spanish 'bobo', meaning 'stupid'. This may seem cruel but boobies probably call us worse behind our backs!

2. The blue ringed octopus

This may seem an odd entry on a list celebrating blue animals due to how feared the blue ringed octopus (or BRO. If there's a better acronym than that, I don't want to hear it!) is in its native Australia. However, it's not the BRO making the toxin - it's the bacteria that lives on it. And if a massive foot suddenly crashed into your house right now and your bite was venomous, would you not bite the intruder? They're just scared! But rational or not, the actions of a BRO can be life threatening. The bite is reported to be painless and many may not even notice they've been bitten which makes them slow to seek medical attention. There is no treatment except CPR which makes the death toll for those bitten by a BRO very high. The BRO actually has two toxins - the other one is harmless to humans but kills prey for the BRO to eat. When threatened, the rings that give this cephalopod its name flash bright blue.

1. The Russian Blue cat

You knew it had to be a cat! Admittedly, the Russian Blue is not a vivid blue but more of a muted greyish-blue. It has two coats, a soft undercoat and a topcoat (these are called guard hairs). The guard hairs are blue with silver tips, giving the cat a sugarcoated appearance. Russian Blue cats are calm, intelligent cats and are very close to their owners but shy around strangers. They're known to be very playful so they're good for households with other small animals or children. They're also less likely to affect those allergic to cats. Oh, and their kittens are cute to the point of being ridiculous!

So those are the top 5 blue animals, in my humble opinion at least. What's your favourite blue animal?