Updates 'n' Stuff.

"Get my television fix

Sitting on my crucifix!"

- Billie Joe Armstrong.

I am so sorry! It's been ages since I've updated my blog, I know. I didn't forget, honestly. I just didn't have anything to post about aside from replacing the memorial post about Papillon which has mysteriously disappeared (I did NOT delete it!) which I will endeavour to post on the 9th October; a quarter of a year after Pappy's death.

 Anyway, I've been super busy. Yep. Even if most of my business is just looking after kittens, lip syncing to Green Day and getting new piercings because I'm a rebel (and I'm dangerous *guitar riff*). My friend moved in so I've been out of the house a lot, spending my money and inexplicably dressing as Billie Joe. So. Updates on my life. I'll list them because I like lists.

1. My brother went to uni but he's home for a visit.

2. Pappy's brother,  Arnie, has heart failure. This proves we have the worst luck with cats. 

3. I'm trying to get out a bit more but it's hit and miss.

4. I bought a new phone charger which actually works.

5. My fluoxetine dose has been upped to 10ml daily because it stopped working at the 5ml dose.

6. I am on ESA which isn't ideal but it's an income which I need to stay alive.

7. My step-dad is in hospital because he has a gammy eye. I haven't been told the full extent of the situation but he might need it removed and he's fed up of being in hospital with nothing to do. 

8. My cats are lying across the pillow and I really need to sleep. I'm tired. But they're sleeping. Waking a sleeping kitten is bad juju. Never mind *yawn*. 

So that's what's been happening at Chez Blue. Also, Elsa got ahold of a piece of pepperoni earlier and I chased her around the house for 8 minutes before I managed to grab her and hold her as my brother attempted to wrestle the pepperoni from her vice-like jaws and Elsa growled in disapproval. Excitement abounds! Anyway, I'll try not to disappear again...but I promise nothing! 

International Cat Day.

"If you want to write, keep cats."

- Aldous Huxley

Today is International Cat Day! As you know, I love kitties. You also know that, last month, I lost my fluffball, Papillon, to a bladder disease. What you may not know, however, is that I have recently acquired two tortoiseshell kittens (Mum called up the Cats Protection to ask about pregnant cats but they had kittens that needed a home at that very moment so we got them on the 15th, the day after my birthday). They are called Elsa and Rae after my favourite characters in 'Frozen' and 'My Mad Fat Diary' respectively. Elsa has love hearts on her side and likes climbing the curtains. Rae has an orange nose and a squeaky meow. She likes chewing things. They are very naughty but they love me because I'm their mummy. They have yet to notice that I am not a cat.

I love them too. They have given me something to live for and motivation to get out of bed in the morning (if only to clean up the mess they've caused by climbing on my bookshelves and bedside table in the night). For that, I can forgive them for the scratches they've given me, the times they've fallen asleep on my arm so I couldn't move, the fact they've chewed my books, torn up my bookmark and pulled the whiskers off my favourite stuffed toy. Ahem. Without further ado, let me introduce you to these adorable bundles of joy and very sharp claws!

  

As you can see, Elsa is copying the pose of our 5 year old cat, Arnie. I like to think the kittens learn from him. He's not too pleased about them because they chase his tail and steal his favourite spot on the scratching post. If they really bother him, he bops them on the nose to keep them in line but otherwise, he leaves them to their mischief. I'm so proud of him. It may be International Cat Day today but I ALWAYS adore my kitties!

  

All The Little Things That Make Me Smile

"The Anchors are things that occupy my mind and make me feel good temporarily."

- Ned Vizzini

Because my last post was so depressing, I'm going to write a more upbeat post this time. The title is rather self-explanatory. Things that make me smile or at least things that I appreciate and enjoy even if I don't smile. Just small, ordinary things. A friend actually inspired me to write about this. I haven't asked if I can use her name so I won't but she knows who she is! Anyway. Let's get this show on the road!

- Cats. Any cats, really. But my cats are great.
- Delicious food. Soups, pizzas, pastries, all sorts of yummy stuff.
- Good TV. At the moment, I'm enjoying Humans and My Mad Fat Diary alongside my usual diet of The Simpsons/Hollyoaks/The Goldbergs.
- Spending time with my family when no one's angry.
- Starbucks hot chocolate.
- Reading new books.

- Sniffing new books (I love that new book smell, OK?!).
- Looking at the clouds.
- Playing games like The Sims. With cheats, duh.
- Jigsaw puzzles.
- My favourite music. Currently, I'm enjoying 'She's Lost Control' by Joy Division.
- Getting answers right when watching quiz shows.
- Spotting a spelling error. After the initial anger that I'm unemployed while these shoddy proofreaders have jobs they perform poorly at, I feel smug and self-satisfied.

- "Dad" jokes. Y'know, those really cheesy puns that make you groan because they're so bad but so good at the same time? Yeah, those.
- Money. Yeah, I'm greedy.
- My bed because it's warm and cosy.
- Completing a Sudoku that was meant to take 30 minutes in 8 minutes.
- Winning games like chess or Trivial Pursuit.
- Talking to friends online.
- Cuddling with Pusheen.
- Frozen.

- My new hairstyle. Pretty bitchin', eh?!
- When English people think that the haggis is a wild animal.
- Guessing who the perpetrator is in Law And Order: Special Victims Unit and hearing the coveted words "You were right" from my brother.
- Wearing awesome clothes and knowing my outfit is awesome.
- That clean feeling after a shower.
- Getting compliments.
- Sleeping. I can't say if I enjoy being asleep because I'm asleep at the time but I certainly do a lot of sleeping.

- The fact that the cool raptor in Jurassic World is named Blue, like me.
- When someone genuinely cares about me and wants to help. I was ignored for so long in favour of other people and so when someone cares, I am pathetically grateful.
- Friends who don't piss off when they don't need anything from me.
- Big cats. I can't pet them but they're pretty to look at.
- Creepy stories. Love 'em.

- Plasticine, Play-Doh, modelling clay, anything of that ilk.
- Piercings and tattoos.

That's all I can think of at the moment but hey, it's quite a lot! I have many things that can at least erase some of the persistent sadness that seems to be following me lately. It's learning to appreciate the little things rather than waiting for one big thing to make it all better. I don't think little things cure depression, by any means, but it gives you focus and makes you feel good for a little while.

Unfortunately, in life, there are no quick fixes so rather than trying to fix our lives or ourselves when doing so might not be possible or worth the cost, it's sometimes better to accept when something can't be changed and trying to be thankful for whatever small mercies life casts in your direction. Easier said than done but hey, it's better than being eaten up by bitterness and self-loathing. So give it a try.

Impertinent Ramblings

"I didn't want to wake up. I was having a much better time asleep"

-Ned Vizzini

There's no real meaning to this blog post. I know I haven't posted in a while so of course, I should be posting stuff. And that's maybe part of it. And I'm sorry I've left you waiting. I've got a couple of posts planned but I need to write them up first. I'll start working on them when I feel better, I promise.

OK, before I start rambling, a little disclaimer: I will be fine. Don't worry about me, don't lose any sleep (that's important) and dear god, don't call my mother! I'm safe and I have no intention of not being safe. I just simply need to get some feelings off my chest and hopefully, it will offer some insight into what life is like for someone like me.

I have not been feeling good recently. That's not entirely true, I've had a few moments where I felt OK over the past few days - just distracted from life, I suppose - but my general mood has been weird. I look miserable and I suppose I do feel miserable but mostly, I just feel numb. Too numb to cry. I feel like I need to cry but I can't for some reason. It sucks. I would fill the emptiness with food but I don't feel like eating. I can't remember the last time I ate a meal, I've just been snacking when my stomach starts rumbling too loudly. I've eaten less than half of some leftover pumpkin pie in the last 24 hours. Normally, I don't stop eating. The last time I got worse, I went off food for a bit. That's probably what's happening now. I'm on fluoxetine, I was warned I might get worse before I get better. Just have to grin and bear it I suppose. Except I can't grin. I was able to on Friday but yesterday, I was just dull and flat. I didn't leave my room a whole lot and I just lay in bed like a spectacularly ugly statue. Modern art, perhaps. When I did leave my room (for pie and Pepsi and to feed the cats), I barely lifted my feet off the ground. Like a zombie. 

I feel like a zombie. Except zombies have a goal (to eat BRAAAAIIINS) and motivation. I'm just kind of aimless. I didn't wash or get changed but that's nothing new. I can't be bothered with that. What's the point in washing when I'll just get dirty again? Why should I get changed when I'm not going anywhere? I'd rather sleep. My thoughts are slow and incoherent, like a tired drunk at a typewriter and each time they hit a key, a bolt of pain hits my forehead. Is thinking meant to hurt? I don't know but it's too much for me to deal with so I sleep. I don't have to deal with anything when I'm asleep. I wish I could stay asleep forever. So I'm low. Very low. I've been worse but that offers little comfort when I'm like this.

I have a feeling this will pass though. My feet are tapping uncontrollably which means I'm going into one of those periods where I seem almost normal, happy I suppose. I'm not happy but I'm not as low so I'll take it. The only problem is controlling myself. I'm pretty good with self control but I spend money like I'm dying tomorrow. I haven't spent money in a while simply because that would require getting out of bed and going out. Nah. But when I get enough energy, I know I'll be down at Tesco, throwing half the shop into my trolley. My appetite will return with a vengeance and I'll have to stock up on meals and snacks and a plaid shirt that I've decided I need.

This money is to last me till god knows when but I can't stop myself. I feel better when I'm buying things. Human. It's what normal people do, shop. Because they need to feed themselves and clothe themselves and surround themselves with nice things and I'm kind of shit at all of that. But when I buy stuff, it seems like I'm one step closer to getting better. Of course, I'm not - eating my way through four shopping bags of goodies and trying to ignore my thoughts which trip over each other and occasionally tumble out of my mouth (the tired drunk at the typewriter has been replaced by a psychotic person on ecstasy at a state-of-the-art computer) is no better than lying in bed, immobile. But, aside from my mad twitches - seriously, my arms flap about so much, I'm surprised I haven't taken wing yet - I seem more socially acceptable like that. I can hold a conversation and cook for myself and laugh and smile. My psychiatrist says it's normal and the reason it feels so insane is because I'm so low the rest of the time. I guess that makes sense but I always feel slightly unstable like that.

It's not that I prefer being low. I don't like any of it. I want to sleep and I want to stay asleep because then no one will have to be bothered about me and I won't have to deal with everything that being awake brings. But I'm expected to live. Crawling into bed and staying there is not an option. I'll be dragged through life, kicking and screaming, whether I like it or not. I don't feel I can cope. I've got this far, sure, but how much further can I go? Who knows? I've just got to try, I suppose. Easier said than done seeing as I'm completely incapable of living. But hey. I'll give it my best shot. I'm doing an OK job of surviving so I might be able to integrate some living into that as well. I'm trying.

So that's what my life consists of. Not much. Like a very boring rollercoaster. But I needed to get this out lest I end up like an industrial amount of frankium in a swimming pool of water. Not good. It's late. I'll probably regret posting this when I wake up but why should I feel bad about a) being honest and b) using my blog to talk about MYSELF *gasps of horror*? I'll do what I damn well please. And right now, that's sleeping. Zzz...

Mental Health Awareness Week

"To the person in the bell jar, blank and stopped as a dead baby, the world itself is the bad dream"

- Sylvia Plath

Something you may not know (hell, I didn't know until yesterday) - the 11th of May to the 17th of May is/was Mental Health Awareness week. 

As I posted recently, I'm all out of things to say. I'm not really in a writing mood. However, I am very knowledgeable about a great number of mental illnesses - I think that's the case with a lot of people nowadays - so if there's any you want to know more about, comment below. I'll write a blog post with info on what you ask for in the near future. That'll raise awareness and understanding, hopefully. If any of my fans (do I have fans?) would like to share their experiences with mental illnesses, you can comment below or I could include you in a blog post if you'd like. I'm nice like that.

I really wish I'd known about this in advance so I could've had something planned for Monday. Damn.

Still, mental health is ALWAYS relevant. We all have a brain and any one of us could be pulled under when we least expect it so it's important to know what you're dealing with.

Here's some helpful UK numbers to call if you are feeling overwhelmed or anxious or depressed or suicidal:

CALM (Campaign Against Living Miserably) - 0800 58 58 58 (helpline for young men over 15 years old. Open from 5pm to 12am).

ChildLine - 0800 1111 (helpline for children and young people. Free and confidential. Open 24 hours).

Get Connected - 0808 808 4994 (helpline for people under 25. Open 1pm to 11pm).

Lifeline (N. Ireland) - 0808 808 8000 (free, confidential crisis response helpline. Open 24 hours).

Papyrus HOPELine UK - 0800 068 4141 (offers help and advice. Open 10am to 10pm on weekdays, 2pm to 5pm on weekends).

Samaritans - 0845 790 9090 (confidential helpline. Open 24 hours).

If you're outside the UK, I'm sorry for the exclusion but I'm sure Google will have some results for you. If, like me, you can't use phones due to deafness or anxiety or whatever reason, there's also a great deal of online help groups. However, if you're seriously worried about your mental health, do seek help from your GP. They can refer you to professionals who can help you get better.

You are not alone. You are not ignored. I am one of many people who care about you and want you to live life to the fullest extent you can without feeling trapped and empty and all the other awful feelings that come with mental illnesses. You matter.

Just look after yourself, OK? 

Coping With Exams.

"There must be quite a few things that a hot bath won't cure but I don't know many of them"

- Sylvia Plath

Exams are tough. I know this better than anyone. I'm in my fifth year of taking serious exams and it doesn't get easier. It's always the same. Study, study, study. Retain information. I've studied. I've procrastinated. I've panicked. I've cried. I've written pages of notes in all the colours of the rainbow. I've overdosed on Mountain Dew. I've passed. I've failed. I've eaten chocolate, whatever results I got. And I've discovered there is no surefire way to pass your exams. All you can do is speak to your teachers/tutors/lecturers because they know better than we do what to expect in your exams. I can't help you there. What I can help you with is how to cope with all of this. Because, chances are, your parents or teachers or siblings or friends are putting all this pressure on you to pass your exams, to achieve or exceed their expectations - and maybe you will. But exams can take a toll on you, physically and mentally. However, it's nothing that can't be remedied by your friendly Dr Blue (Note: Blue is neither friendly nor a doctor). Whether you're preparing for exams or trying to shake off the remaining jitters afterwards, these tips can help. Maybe. Worth a try though, isn't it?

BEFORE

-Try and stay on top of your revision. This may seem like a terrible way of coping with exams but the last thing you want is to panic and frazzle your brain before your exam(s). Study little and often and allow yourself breaks. Figure out your learning style (eg. visual or auditory) and revise in ways that will help you recall info. I use musical association and repetition.

-Plan. Plan how and when you'll get to your exam, plan your studying, plan your breaks, plan everything you need to to keep you calm and in control.
-Check things. You'll probably be given a timetable listing the time, date and location of your exam(s) but check with your teacher/tutor/lecturer that everything is correct. The last thing you want is to miss your exam.
-Now would also be a good time to speak to your teacher/tutor/lecturer about anything you're not understanding about your work. They're there to help and they'll be more than happy to help you. Remember, they want you to pass your exams too!
-Tempting as it may be to stay up all night to study, DON'T DO THIS. Sleep. Get a good night's sleep. Your brain needs to rest or it will burn out. If you're having trouble sleeping, try sprinkling lavender oil on your pillow or burning a CD of relaxing noises (think the sounds of ocean or the rain) to help you drop off. Try and make your room as dark as possible,  wear an eye mask if it helps. Avoid caffeine before bed and, if possible, do a little exercise to tire you out before you go to bed. Sleep is important.
-Be organised. Make sure everything you need is laid out where you can find it in the morning. If you need HB pencils, a calculator, a dictionary or anything important like that, pack it in your bag the night before. That way, you won't have to rush around in the morning.
-Get up early so you can eat a healthy, energising breakfast - maybe porridge with raspberries to slowly release energy throughout your exam. If you have time, do a little studying so it's fresh in your mind. Be at the exam location 15 minutes early. This is also a good time to revise but keep your ears open for announcements regarding your exam. If you have friends sitting the same exam, quiz each other on your knowledge of the subject - who knows, maybe a section you're struggling with is their strongest area!
-If you want, have a snack before going into the exam hall. It's so hard to concentrate when you're hungry.

DURING

-Try not to panic. Slowly breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth. This will slow your heart rate and return your body to its relaxed state.

-Stretch out your muscles. Sitting hunched over your desk isn't great for your back. When you start to feel uncomfortable, take a few seconds to sit up straight and stretch your back and neck out. If your arm starts to ache from writing, put your pen down and rotate your wrist a few times to ease the tension in your tendons and ligaments. Stretch your fingers out.
-Concentrate. This seems obvious but it's so easy to get distracted by a ticking clock or an interesting tree or something. Don't let that happen. Eyes down, pen up and shut out the world. Recall the information and let it flow onto the page. If you forget something, don't worry, you can put an asterisk and add the information at the end of the paper if you've time.
-Read the paper carefully. Make sure you understand the question - sometimes they phrase them oddly to trip us up. Pretty cruel, huh? Just make sure you're writing all the relevant stuff.
- Keep a steady pace. Writing is like cross country running for your arm. It's about endurance. If you start off super quick, you'll slow down sooner and start to flag behind. Don't be slow, by any means but pace your writing so you don't overwork your wrist or brain.
-You're probably familiar with this but I'll reiterate it for you. If you're stuck on a question, leave it and come back to it at the end. It's better than spending 10, 15 minutes panicking about it. If you work on your strongest areas first, you'll be more confident and you'll have more time to figure the tricky questions out.

AFTER

-It's over! Give yourself a pat on the back. Maybe a bar of chocolate. If you've got the money, treat yourself to lunch at a coffee shop or nice café. You've worked hard and now is your chance to rest and reward yourself.

-Pamper yourself! You know the drill - dressing gown, face mask, hot bath, fluffy towel. It's not just for girls! Still, maybe that's not your thing? Does a bowl of popcorn and a good DVD sound more enticing?
-If you have pets, pet 'em. Stroking a cat or dog or hamster or snake has soothing qualities. Get rid of excess stress by lavishing attention on your slightly bewildered pet.
-Catch up on life. Whilst prepping for exams, it's easy to put your life on hold. Get back in there. A movie you've been meaning to watch, a book you've been meaning to read, a game you've been meaning to try - they're all yours. If you'd rather sleep till 2 in the afternoon, that's fine too. You're mentally burnt out so you probably don't fancy reading 4 books a week at the moment.
-Relax. Get the excess stress and adrenaline out of your system. Talk it out, walk it out, unwind however you know how. Just chill! You'll soon be back to your old self.
-Remind yourself - you got through this. You beat exams. Whatever the outcome, you survived and you are strong. Come on, life, you're ready! If you're arty, make yourself a medal or a certificate. God knows you deserve it.

Feeling better? More prepared, more confident? You should be. Good luck guys! I'm rooting for you!